


back to jungles and deserts and all in between

by sevtacular



Category: Holby City
Genre: Celebrity Crush, F/F, RedVines Day, Wilderness Survival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23731600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevtacular/pseuds/sevtacular
Summary: Bernie Wolfe is television's greatest wilderness explorer and survival expert. Serena's guilty pleasure is watching the children's nature show the woman presents. When Jason arrives in her life and informs her that Major Wolfe has a substantial back catalogue of shows Serena has never heard of, she's more than happy to watch them with him.
Relationships: Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe
Comments: 42
Kudos: 91
Collections: Redvines Day





	back to jungles and deserts and all in between

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fortytworedvines](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortytworedvines/gifts).



> GEEEEEET DRESSED YE MERRY GENTLEMEN LET NOTHING YOU DISMAY FOR IT IS REDVINES REDVINES REDVINES REDVINES REDVINES DAY! IT IS RE-E-E-E-E-EE-E-E-E-EDVINES DAY REDVINES DAY! IT IS RE-E-E-EE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EDVINES DAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!
> 
> Yes, one and all, here is a very special fic for a very special person: Redvines! 
> 
> The idea for this fic actually came from this, which I believe Persiflage submitted to the Berena AU Adoption Agency:  
> "This one’s along the lines of she stops my bones from wondering just who I am by sevtacular or The Chemistry of Us also by sevtacular, but this time Bernie Wolfe is a wilderness explorer who films her adventures for the television, and is going to be in Holby for the signing of her book to accompany her most recent TV series. Serena’s nephew Jason, newly integrated into her home and life, is a huge fan of Major Wolfe’s Wilderness Adventures, and insists on going to the book signing. His auntie Serena will, of course, be accompanying him!  
> Have fun and good luck to whomever adopts this!"
> 
> Well, I couldn't say no, really, could I? I've added a few extra Redvines-themed surprises, so I hope you enjoy them!
> 
> The title is of course a blatant play on a lyric in the iconic song Goin' Back To Hogwarts from the (as Arthur Shappey would say) BRILLIANT show that is A Very Potter Musical.

Serena Campbell has her first encounter with Major Wolfe in her local supermarket. She’s just popped to Tesco to grab a couple of essentials on her way home from work and is in a bit of a rush when she stumbles head first into a display by the entrance. Staggering backwards and praying nobody she recognises saw her, she props the large cardboard display back upright. It’s only when it’s no longer on top of her that she realises she had crashed into a life size cardboard cut-out of a blonde woman wearing combat gear and tipping a Stetson hat at all the shoppers, a wide grin on her face. Serena’s first thought is that she’d happily swap the cardboard cut-out for the actual woman on top of her any day of the week. She tries to chase away thoughts which are distinctly not appropriate for one’s local supermarket by seeing just who this woman is. Large letters underneath the display proclaim that the DVD and Blu-ray copies of ‘WILD WITH WOLFE’ are now available. She looks appraisingly at the cardboard cut-out again. Serena certainly wouldn’t mind getting wild with Wolfe, whoever she is. Noticing the security guard by the door giving her a strange look, Serena decides she should probably carry on shopping instead of staring at this Wolfe woman all night long.

Later in the evening, after consuming her ready meal for one and putting her load of laundry on, Serena decides to see what ‘Wild With Wolfe’ is. She ends up on the BBC iPlayer page for CBeebies, the BBC’s channel for young children. ‘Wild With Wolfe’ claims to be an immersive and educational programme which teaches children about wildlife from around the world. If she’s so inclined, there’s also a virtual wildlife safari game Serena can play. Deciding nobody will ever know she’s watched it; Serena plays an episode. They’re only fifteen minutes long, anyway.

Two hours later and Serena has seen eight episodes of ‘Wild With Wolfe’ and is hooked. Bernie Wolfe is a wilderness explorer who goes on adventures in jungles and deserts (though Serena concedes it could be a green screen) and talks about the animals found there. In just a few episodes alone, Serena has discovered that the capybara is the largest rodent on earth; the desert tortoise spends most of its time living underground; and that the okapi is the closest living relative of the giraffe.

Rather than being patronising, ‘Wild With Wolfe’ is actually highly educational. In fact, the only real things which make it clear it has a target audience of infants are Bernie Wolfe’s two sidekicks – two puppets – one orange and one green - named Sprog and Bean. Sprog and Bean add an element of mischief to the show, not listening when Bernie is talking or failing to be quiet so they scare away the lions they’re searching for.

-

Nobody needs to know that Serena, a grown woman, watches a children’s nature series for fun. They can just be impressed when she can randomly spout an interesting fact about penguins or orangutans without needing to look it up on the internet.

-

Serena ends up buying herself the DVD of ‘Wild With Wolfe’ one evening when she’s had far too much shiraz and discovers that BBC iPlayer no longer has the episodes available. She doesn’t even realise she’s ordered it until the courier knocks on her door the next day asking her to sign for the next-day delivery package they’re holding which she opens up to reveal Bernie Wolfe and her beautiful beaming smile tipping her Stetson at Serena’s rather worse for wear self. 

It may have been a drunk purchase but that doesn’t stop Serena watching the whole thing as a hangover cure.

-

Serena’s not entirely sure when her life seems to end up beyond her control, but it does. Most days she feels like she’s simply an actor in some greater (and highly sadistic) power’s hands as one thing after another occurs.

She ends up being the acting CEO of Holby City Hospital.

She discovers her daughter is a habitual drug user.

She is alone as her mother dies. 

She has an ill-advised fling with a very boring and potato-like policeman named Robbie.

She discovers that her mother had a secret child.

She discovers that her half-sister is also long gone.

She discovers she has a nephew.

-

Her nephew is the highlight in all of this.

Her nephew is called Jason and he has Asperger’s Syndrome. Jason is as sharp as a tack and twice as intelligent. He has a heart made of gold and a passion for learning like no other person of his age Serena has seen. Jason quickly integrates himself into Serena’s life and into her heart. So much so that when Jason is having difficulties with his accommodation, Serena does not think twice about letting him move in with her. Jason is going to change her life for the better, Serena knows it.

-

Jason is rather easy to live with. He has a strict routine for meals and how he spends his day but that’s something Serena can easily adapt to. It also stops her from having too many takeaways after stressful days, which is probably a blessing in disguise. In the evening, Serena can head to her study and work or join Jason on his rigorous television schedule, which seems to cover survival programmes, nature documentaries and World’s Strongest Man. All in all, it really isn’t a bad life she’s got for herself.

-

“Auntie Serena?” Jason’s voice sounds from the direction of the sitting room when she arrives home from work one average Tuesday. After carefully hanging up her coat and placing her shoes on the rack by the door, Serena heads through to where her nephew is.  
“Yes, Jason?”  
“I didn’t know you liked nature programmes.” In his hand, Jason is holding a DVD box, one which Serena had stashed at the back of her DVD cupboard. She looks at her nephew’s face, sweet and unassuming, then down at the beautiful face of the woman on the box. Taking a deep breath, she addresses Jason.  
“I’m not a huge fan of them Jason, but ‘Wild With Wolfe’ does make for very interesting viewing.”

Jason’s brow creases a little.  
“Oh, so you don’t have any of Bernie Wolfe’s other DVDs?” Serena looks at him, her brain suddenly on high alert.  
“Bernie Wolfe has other television shows?”

It can’t be true, she’s sure of it. She’s refreshed the Cbeebies iPlayer page frequently (an embarrassing number of times, really, considering the fact she’s a grown woman) in the hope of a new series with Bernie Wolfe, Sprog and Bean. Jason nods.  
“Yes, she’s done loads of wilderness exploration documentaries, they’re really educational. She’s also really famous in the area of television survival shows. She even did a charity special for Comic Relief last year, Wolfe vs Bear. She won it and Bear Grylls really wasn’t very happy about that.”

Serena gapes. Just what has she been missing? 

Unaware of his aunt’s inner turmoil, Jason looks at her eagerly.  
“Please could I have all of her DVDs for my birthday? I’d really like to watch them again.”

Serena nods. As far as she’s concerned, Jason’s birthday can’t come quickly enough.

-

They spend Jason’s birthday binge-watching Major Bernie Wolfe wilderness documentaries. Jason’s choice, he’s so excited about having all of the DVDs that he simply has to watch them all immediately. He’s so excited that he sets both their alarms for 5am so that they definitely have enough time to watch all of the episodes in a single day. Despite an earlier start than she’d like on a day when she isn’t working, Serena isn’t complaining (though if anyone at the hospital asks, she’ll say she took some persuading). In her mind, Major Bernie Wolfe is more than worth waking up for.

The wilderness adventurer shows are a lot more advanced than ‘Wild With Wolfe’ and Serena is immediately enamoured with how many more military references and tactics are involved during dense jungle explorations (which are definitely not done in front of a green screen). Three episodes in to the wilderness presenter’s first ever series ‘Running Through The Jungle With Major Wolfe’ and Serena realises she’ll never see cargo shorts in the same way again. What she’d previously dismissed as unfashionable are now the sexiest garments alive. The sight of Major Wolfe, wearing her ever present Stetson, creeping through dense jungle shouldn’t be as appealing as it is. Especially when Serena finds herself getting distracted when, whilst talking about tigers or birds or plants, the Major stops to wipe sweat from her brow. Serena shifts subtly on the sofa, hoping Jason doesn’t notice just how interested she is. Especially during the moments when the ex-soldier drops a military reference or shows just how fit she is. Serena’s just admiring her shape for medical reasons, obviously.

After they’ve finished all six episodes of ‘Running In The Jungle With Major Bernie Wolfe’, Jason inserts the next DVD into the player. This is a series entitled ‘Arctic Wolfe’, where the presenter explores the frozen wilderness and the animals associated with it, alongside showcasing survival tactics for camping out in the bitter cold. It’s fascinating content and Jason comments on how he prefers this one as it combines both factual information about the wildlife with important survival techniques. Serena says she prefers ‘Running In the Jungle With Major Bernie Wolfe’. Doesn’t mention the reason she prefers it is because in the arctic Bernie is wearing far more layers than she was in the jungle.

There’s only three episodes of ‘Arctic Wolfe’, so after that they swiftly move on to ‘A Wolfe In The Wild’. This is a seven-part series, with each episode linked to a specific continent. Again, Serena tries very hard not to dwell on the reasons she prefers ‘A Wolfe In The Wild: South America’ over ‘A Wolfe In The Wild: Antarctica’. She will admit that she rather enjoyed the furry hat the wilderness explorer had during her stint in the forests of Ukraine during ‘A Wolfe In The Wild: Europe’. It turns out even hardened ex-military survival experts can look cute once in a while.

Her favourite Major Bernie Wolfe episode yet has got to be ‘A Wolfe In The Wild: Africa’. The hour-long episode is absolutely filled to the brim with wilderness adventures. Rather than sticking to one part of the continent, the producers have toured Bernie around the continent to cram as many stops into her African adventures as possible. In Somalia, Major Bernie Wolfe gets up close with a Nile crocodile, the largest crocodilian found in Africa. In Sudan, she visits the deserts and explores how species such as the waldrapp are becoming threatened. And in Kenya, Major Wolfe goes behind-the-scenes at some of the largest nature reserves, giving the viewers their own personal safari tour of the country without needing to leave their homes. And the best part about ‘A Wolfe In The Wild: Africa’ is that Bernie Wolfe, alongside her Stetson, wears the most delicious gear throughout. If ‘action-woman in a hot climate’ isn’t a style of clothing that companies produce and have catwalks showcasing, Serena thinks they’re really missing out. Major Bernie Wolfe is the epitome of intrepid explorer, her hair bleached and her skin tanned as she crouches in long grass observing the wildlife around her. Serena is mightily impressed.

After they’ve finished all the ‘A Wolfe In The Wild’ episodes, Jason announces that they’ll have a break before watching the final DVD. Serena is shocked to notice that it’s past 3pm and they’ve literally done nothing but gaze at Major Bernie Wolfe all day. Serena’s mind wanders, considering just how long she could gaze at Bernie for, if pushed. She rather thinks it might be forever. Jason interrupts her thoughts by asking her if she’s coming into the kitchen. It’s been a very long day of lots of wilderness and survival facts and he’s ready for his birthday cake. Serena complies, groaning a little as her joints creak and pop as she stands up to cut the cake and prepare the dinner they’ll eat later.

Whilst they’re eating, she asks her nephew how many more Major Bernie Wolfe episodes they have left to watch.

“Just six, Auntie Serena. And they’re only half an hour long each. The DVD is a double feature of Major Bernie Wolfe’s Australian adventures. She did two series on Australian wildlife.”

“Alongside her ‘A Wolfe In The Wild: Oceania’ episode?” Serena asks between bites of the shop-bought cake in the shape of a sloth which Jason chose.

“Yes. These are specific to Australia, not the whole continent. The first is ‘Going Down Under With Major Bernie Wolfe’.” 

Serena nearly spits her birthday cake across the table. Jason looks at her curiously as she takes a large gulp of water to stop herself from choking.

“Are you okay, Auntie Serena?”

“Perfectly fine thank you Jason. I’m very excited about ‘Going Down Under with Major Bernie Wolfe’, I’m sure it’s very… Informative. I think if given the opportunity I’d go down under with her.”

Serena clamps her mouth shut as she realises what she’s just said, curses herself for letting her mind run away from her mouth (but really, she thinks, did nobody tell whatever television producer who came up with that title just how it would be interpreted?!) Seemingly unaware of the double meaning of her words, Jason nods seriously. 

“It is. Though if my memory serves me correctly, ‘Going Down Under with Major Bernie Wolfe’ is all about the wildlife in Australia. It’s the other series which has all the survival techniques and challenges in it.”

Serena tucks back into her cake and drinks her water as Jason looks thoughtful for a moment, clearly recalling his memories of the series. Coming to his conclusion, he nods once.

“Yes, that’s right. ‘Going Down Under with Major Bernie Wolfe’ is just the basic stuff. All the best advice comes in ‘Exploring The Bush With Major Bernie Wolfe’. She’s a real expert in that area.”

Suddenly, Jason finds his Auntie Serena, who is normally very dignified, is coughing and spluttering, water streaming out of her nose. Jason has never seen his Auntie Serena look so out of control. Perhaps she’s watched too much TV for one day.

-

Jason loves wilderness shows. He especially loves wilderness shows featuring Major Bernie Wolfe. However, even he thinks he has reached his limit. 

It’s not that he doesn’t like re-watching things (because he really does), it’s just that nowadays whenever it’s Auntie Serena’s turn to pick a DVD for them to watch it’s always a Major Bernie Wolfe one. And she only ever picks the ones in hot places.

Originally, Jason had thought that Auntie Serena was really interested in tropical wildlife so he adopted her a tiger for her birthday. However, whilst Auntie Serena was very nice about the gift pack and cuddly tiger she received, she didn’t read it and reread it over and over again like she watches Major Bernie Wolfe’s shows on repeat. Jason needed to rethink his strategy.

Which is how he finds himself watching his Auntie Serena rather than Major Bernie Wolfe as they sit through another re-watch of ‘Exploring The Bush With Major Bernie Wolfe’. Jason notices how, whenever Major Wolfe does something especially daring, like climbing up a tree, Auntie Serena seems to forget about her wine or her food or whatever it is she was previously doing. Her sole focus is on the wildlife presenter. Interesting. Jason decides to do some more detective work.

-

Being a porter means that Jason is often forgotten. Sometimes that’s really annoying but today it’s very useful. He’s wheeling a patient to Darwin when he hears Auntie Serena approaching from around the corner and she appears to be talking to Mr Griffin.

“You were watching Major Bernie Wolfe?”  
“Yes, surely you’ve heard of her? Jason owns all her DVDs.” 

Jason thinks that at this point they may as well be her DVDs because she’s the one who watches them so much, but he refrains from commenting and giving away that he’s listening.

“What does she look like?”  
“Blonde. Wears a Stetson. Has incredibly messy blonde hair underneath it. Athletic build. Tans nicely.”

Ric laughs and, if Jason knows his Auntie Serena well (which he likes to think he does) she’s probably frowning in response to such a reaction.  
“What a description eh, Serena. Anyone’d think you were her wingman.”

Unfortunately, Jason does not hear the rest of the conversation as he has to continue on his way with his patient. He does mull over what he heard though and later on he asks another patient what it means if somebody is a wingman. When he finds out, Jason smiles to himself and addresses the empty corridor.

“Ahhh, I get it now, Auntie Serena. I totally understand.”

It all makes sense. The original children’s DVD of the show Major Bernie Wolfe did with Sprog and Bean. The continual desire to watch the episodes in which Major Bernie Wolfe wears very flattering clothes. The way Auntie Serena looks at Major Bernie Wolfe like Major Bernie Wolfe looks at the desert. Like something hot, exotic, fascinating. Like something she wants to explore and commit to memory forever.

Jason smiles, satisfied. Now he’s worked that out he can buy his Auntie Serena a Christmas present that she’ll really like.

-

On Christmas Day, Serena is thrilled that Jason likes the books she has bought him. He smiles as he hands her the present he has bought her. It’s flat and rectangular and appears to have one edge which is ring-bound. Serena smiles at him as she opens the wrapping, fully expecting a calendar. Jason is always giving her reminders about her timekeeping.

Serena is not prepared to pull back the wrapping paper to see the face of Major Bernie Wolfe gazing up at her, Stetson tipped at a jaunty angle. Serena looks up at Jason who is looking very proud of himself.  
“As soon as I realised you have more than a professional admiration for Major Bernie Wolfe, I knew I had to get you the Major Bernie Wolfe Official Calendar. I know you’ll love having it on the wall, Auntie Serena.”

Serena opens and shuts her mouth a few times as her mind seems to shut down. It appears that she hasn’t been at all subtle about her fixation with the wilderness explorer and survival expert. Serena realises she needs to remember more often that absolutely nothing gets past her nephew.

Serena decides her best course of action is to flick through the calendar and it is a treat. Serena involuntarily licks her lips when she approaches the summer months and the photos are of Bernie Wolfe in tropical climes. Her favourite by far is definitely August. August has a full-length photo of Major Bernie Wolfe stood in a desert, surveying the sand before her. Her trademark Stetson is on her head, her tousled blonde hair ruffled by the desert breeze. On her face she’s wearing aviators which reflect the landscape before her right back. But the best part by far is that Major Bernie Wolfe, ex-soldier, wilderness explorer, survival expert and television presenter, is wearing a cropped t-shirt and shorts. It certainly must be warm in that desert. Just by gazing at the photo Serena can feel herself heating up. She looks up at Jason who gives her a knowing look.  
“I trust you’ll pay more attention to the calendar now then, Auntie Serena.”

-

Serena and Jason are shopping in Holby City Centre when Jason begins to pat her arm excitedly. Serena turns her attention to her nephew and asks him what has caught his attention.  
“Look, Auntie Serena!”

He points towards the bookshop opposite them which has a large cardboard cut-out of Major Bernie Wolfe behind the glass window. It’s not too dissimilar to the one Serena crashed into all those years ago, it’s just more recent. The Stetson is still on her head and she’s still wearing her practical cargo shorts. She’s just a little older and a little more tanned. 

Jason drags them across the road so they can read the large poster in the window.

‘Meet TV’s Major Bernie Wolfe!  
The survival expert and wilderness explorer will be here THIS SATURDAY signing her new book to accompany her hit new BBC series Major Wolfe’s Wilderness Adventures’

Jason turns to Serena, a huge grin on his face.  
“I trust you’ll have no problem with us attending this, Auntie Serena?”

Serena’s so glad she’s off work on Saturday.

-

On Saturday, Serena wakes up especially early and takes extra care with her morning routine. She floats down the stairs to breakfast, dreaming of finally meeting Major Bernie Wolfe. She’s just spreading the jam on her toast when Jason looks at her critically.  
“You’re wearing a lot of make-up.”   
“Am I?”  
“Some of it is congealed in your frown lines.”

Serena sighs and returns upstairs to take a layer of makeup off. Jason’s frank honesty is both a blessing and a curse, sometimes.

-

They arrive in Holby City Centre and park much earlier than the start time of the signing event. The city centre is still fairly quiet as they dash through the shopping centre to the bookshop. Suddenly, as they turn the corner, they realise that Major Bernie Wolfe is more popular than they thought. There’s already a line of considerable size snaking around the building and down the street, barriers in place to contain the queues. Some people are clutching copies of other Major Bernie Wolfe memorabilia and there’s some families with young children who are cuddling soft plushie Sprogs and Beans. Major Bernie Wolfe has a major following. Serena and Jason join the back of the queue and are soon surrounded by fans.

It’s slow progress, painfully so. The sun is shining and it’s warm outside the bookshop. Serena welcomes the sun over the rain but she’d really rather not experience it when surrounded by hundreds of people buzzing with excitement. Security are letting people in one group at once, giving enough time for them to meet the Major, buy the signed book and leave before the next group are admitted entry. Beside her, Jason grows quieter and quieter, a far cry from the excited chatter he was filling her with all morning.

They’ve been in the queue over an hour when, in a very small voice, he says,  
“Auntie Serena, I think I’m going to be sick.”

Serena turns to face him and it’s true, her nephew’s face has gone especially ashen. She looks at the people around her, knowing there’s no way out of the security barriers without assistance. Beside her, Jason is beginning to panic. Serena knows she needs to act, and fast.

-

Jason had been looking forward to meeting his television idol but the reality is very different from his expectations. He’s stuck in a queue, trapped on all sides by people as the security barriers snake their way back and forth along the street. It’s slow progress and Jason can almost smell the sweat of some of the strangers he finds himself in close proximity to. There’s so much movement, so many sounds, so much going on in such a small space and it’s overloading all his senses, he can’t figure out what is happening and when and he feels really warm and sickly. Is he going to be sick? That would add to the horrible smells and sounds in this queue and he’d upset all the other people and then maybe Major Bernie Wolfe wouldn’t like him. She can survive deserts and jungles and the Arctic tundra and he can’t even survive a queue. He’s a disappointment, a failure, his thoughts adding to the overwhelming sensory responses going on and it’s too much to process, he can’t think, he’s pretty certain he’s told Auntie Serena he doesn’t feel well but maybe he didn’t and that’s all in his head. He can’t cope, there’s too many sounds and smells and sights and he doesn’t like it one bit, he hates crowds and busy places and he can’t cope, he wasn’t built to cope, he’ll never meet Major Bernie Wolfe, he’ll upset everyone here and be on the news for ruining the event and, and and…

-

Serena is trying to attract the attention of a security guard (easier said than done at such a busy event) when Jason drops to the floor beside her, his legs simply giving way and his eyes rolling back in his head. That gets the attention she wanted, at least. She’s by his side, cushioning his head and pulling some water from her bag when the crowd clears so a security guard can come through and assist them.

-

The first thing Jason notices when he opens his eyes is the harsh strip lighting shining down on him. He attempts to look up and Auntie Serena appears in front of him, offering a bottle of water. Jason sips it then lies back down, his head feeling a bit swimmy.  
“What happened?” He asks.

His Auntie Serena informs him that he fainted in the queue and a security guard escorted them through to the staff only area at the back of the bookshop, which is where they are now. Jason looks at his aunt and tries to see if she’s cross with him for ruining their day out.  
“I’m sorry I stopped us seeing Major Bernie Wolfe, Auntie Serena.”

Auntie Serena pats his hand and smiles at him.  
“Don’t worry about it, Jason. As long as you’re okay, I’m okay.” At her words, Jason smiles.  
“Then the world can go round.”

-

Jason’s feeling a bit perkier when a bookseller enters the room and smiles at them kindly, asking how Jason is feeling. Jason admits that he feels better now he’s away from the crowd. The bookseller grins and hands them a bag each. Jason looks down and pulls out a glossy copy of ‘Major Wolfe’s Wilderness Adventures’. He thanks the bookseller who simply smiles.  
“It’s not me you need to thank. Major Wolfe heard about what happened and insisted on me bringing these back to you. She says if you stay until she’s finished out there, she’ll come back and say hello.”

Jason beams and looks at his Auntie Serena, who also appears to be shocked.  
“That’s very nice of her,” she says. The bookseller nods. “Tell her we’ll be here.”

-

Alongside ‘Major Wolfe’s Wilderness Adventures’, there’s a thinner book which is adorned in all the colours of the rainbow. It turns out that to accompany a new series of ‘Wild With Wolfe’, there’s also a children’s activity book: ‘Wild At Art with Bernie Wolfe, Sprog and Bean.’

The puzzles within keep them occupied, even if they’re not entirely realistic. He and Auntie Serena have completed the Wild With Wolfe Wordsearch and read about how to paint a Splendid Snake with Sprog, a Beautiful Bear with Bean and, of course, a Wonderful Wolf with Bernie. They’re now completing a picture-hunt and have reached a point of contention. They’re both agreed that there’s 12 blue flowers and 23 green leaves in the jungle picture. However, they cannot agree on the next number.  
“I’ve counted three times now, Auntie Serena. There’s definitely forty-two red vines in this image!” Jason insists vehemently. Auntie Serena sighs and begins to count again, her fingers tracing over the many, many creepers drawn on the jungle scene.

She’s just agreed that yes, there are, in fact, forty-two red vines, when a recognisable figure appears in the doorway.

The light from the front of the shop filters in behind her, casting her in a slight shadow, giving her an almost silhouette-like appearance. The customary Stetson is on her head, her hair in messy blonde waves about her shoulders. She’s wearing camouflage-print cargo shorts and a tight white t-shirt which is emblazoned with images of the world’s favourite sidekicks, Sprog and Bean. Serena is rooted to the spot, frozen in place by the goddess before her. The presence of Major Bernie Wolfe herself has rendered Serena completely mute. 

The appearance of the wilderness presenter has had entirely the opposite effect on Jason, however.

“Major Bernie Wolfe!” Jason leaps up and begins chattering enthusiastically about how he’s been so excited to see her but he has Asperger’s and the crowd caused him a lot of distress (“that’s called sensory overload, Major Bernie, it’s an actual proper thing and not just me being weak or unsociable, people who say otherwise are uneducated and bullies”). He’s then regaling her with how much fun they’ve had looking through her books and doing her puzzles. Major Bernie Wolfe confirms that there are indeed forty-two red vines in the image, causing Jason to whoop smugly and say “see, Auntie Serena!”

Serena remains rooted to her seat, simply watching Jason and the Major interact with one another. She’s only snapped out of her frozen state when Jason begins another train of thought.  
“I love your shows, Major Bernie, as does Auntie Serena. I like them all but Auntie Serena has some very specific favourites. Usually the ones where you’re wearing less clothes.”

Serena is aware of herself releasing a highly undignified squawk which the parrots on Major Wolfe’s shows would be proud of. Major Wolfe grins as Jason, unaffected, continues.  
“I bought Auntie Serena your official calendar for Christmas and she really loves it, she can never stop looking at the calendar nowadays, it’s made her very punctual. She flicks through it from time to time too, especially to August – that’s the one where you’re wearing a crop top and shorts in the desert – I think that’s her favourite.”

As Jason prattles on, Serena can feel her face getting hotter than the Sahara. Meanwhile, Bernie Wolfe is giving her a very intense look which only serves to make other area of Serena feel all hot and bothered.

When Jason pauses to take a breath, the wilderness explorer addresses Serena.  
“So, you seem to be a big fan of mine,” she winks and Serena’s brain goes into overdrive.  
“Well, yes, of course. You’re, um, you’re the most fantastic, fearless presenter which TV has ever seen.”

Bernie laughs and Jason cuts in again.  
“Yes Major Bernie, you really are! Auntie Serena doesn’t really like outdoor adventures but you inspire her.” 

Jason seems convinced in his statement but Serena really isn’t sure where he’s got the idea that she wants to go camping or some other such horrendous activity in the name of adventure. Jason continues.  
“Auntie Serena once said that she’d love to go down under with you and she’s never said she’d go to Australia with anyone else.”

Serena decides it would be absolutely marvellous if a giant hole would open up right now and swallow her. Major Bernie Wolfe pulls off her Stetson and is fanning herself with it, her curls ruffling in the soft breeze the motion generates. She’s clearly trying to prevent herself from bursting out with laughter.  
“Ah yes, that series. My producer was so sure that was the best name and who were we to tell him it might end up filed under the wrong genre? Ah well, he’s a clueless male telly exec, what does he know about going down under.”

She winks again at Serena who is now pretty sure she’s being flirted with. Well, Serena’s never been able to shy away from some flirtation, it’s a pursuit she excels in. Edging her chair closer to the celebrity explorer’s, she begins to join in the conversation much more animatedly.

-

Time runs away with them. It isn’t until someone Bernie introduces as her agent Dom appears and says they’ve packed up all the promotional material in the shop and can be leaving that they realise they’ve been conversing with the television presenter for over an hour.

Jason can’t cope with the thought of leaving his new famous friend when they’ve been getting along so brilliantly, so he makes what he thinks is a rational decision.  
“You don’t have to go, Major Bernie. You could come back to mine and Auntie Serena’s house.”

Dom’s eyebrows raise, then raise some more when he sees the look Bernie gives to Serena, who nods.  
“Actually, Dom, you head off. I think I might just pay a visit to the home of these two.”

Dom smirks at her.  
“Okay, Bernie. It’s a good job you’ve got plenty of experience with the bush.”

He disappears quickly and Jason frowns after him.  
“How does your agent know we have really tall privets? You’re not planning on crawling through them, are you?”

-

So that they can get back to Serena’s car with minimum fuss, Bernie places her Stetson into a bag for life, ties her hair back and borrows Serena’s sunglasses. It isn’t the best disguise in the world but it’s thankfully enough for them to get to the car without anybody stopping and asking questions.

-

The journey home is filled with tension. Bernie sits in the back as Jason informs her that the front passenger seat is his and he will not deviate from this no matter how famous she is. Bernie simply climbs into the seat behind Serena and spends the time meeting her eyes whenever the other woman checks her rear-view mirror.

-

Over a supper of ready-meal shepherd’s pie, Jason exclaims that Bernie failed to sign their books back at the shop because they were so busy talking. The survival expert laughs and asks if they have a marker pen she can borrow so she can do the honours. Thrilled with his precious signed cargo, Jason heads into the lounge to read them properly. In the dining room, Serena and Bernie look at one another, silently toasting their undeniable sexual chemistry and acknowledging a mutual consent for it to become something more.

-

Jason arrives down to breakfast at the usual time. He’s had the most unusual night, filled with dreams of tropical birds and jungle explorations which were the most vivid he’s ever had. He wonders if it’s some sort of response to the sensory overload he’d experienced in the queue yesterday morning. Perhaps his mind was still so attuned to things it provided his dreams with such a realistic edge to them.

Just as he’s buttering his toast, Auntie Serena appears. She’s wearing her dressing gown, which isn’t unusual for her if she’s not in work. However, she seems to have injured herself because from where the material is slipping down over her left shoulder, he can see a dark bruise which seems to be very fresh. He hopes she hasn’t fallen out of bed in the night. At her age she needs to be careful; her bones are more fragile than a younger person’s.

Jason is so preoccupied with studying his aunt that it takes him a while to realise that she’s setting two places at the table, her own with jam on toast and another with chocolate spread. Jason is confused for a moment but then Major Bernie Wolfe appears and sits down at the table. She’s wearing his aunt's Holby City Hospital NHS hoodie; she’s even tied the strings in a little bow under her chin. Auntie Serena clears her throat and looks at him.  
“Bernie stayed over last night, Jason.”  
“Yes, I can see that.” He wonders why she’s said something so obvious to him. People can be really silly sometimes, even high-flying vascular surgeons.  
“She, ah. Bernie stayed in my bedroom.” Auntie Serena looks down at the table then back up at Jason, who suddenly realises something.  
“Oh! You fancy Auntie Serena as much as Auntie Serena fancies you!” He beams at the wilderness explorer as Bernie coughs around her piece of toast before nodding.  
“Yes, Jason. I am very fond of your auntie, and of you.”

Jason beams, happy with this new arrangement.  
“That’s good then. I can tell you all about the dreams I had last night. They were so realistic it was like I could hear all the shrieking and growling and screaming of the animals right here in this house. Can you believe it?”

**Author's Note:**

> Have an amazing day Redvines - you're the best!


End file.
